Secret messages from ninjas

Google does doses

I just wanna make sure you good ppls remember exactly how "not for evil" the Google is. I got a medication from the doctor yesterday that told me to "TAKE 5ML BY MOUTH [thank God] EVERY 6 HOURS..." Now where exactly did I put my milliliter spoon?!? Not to worry...a little plain English in the form of a conversion question dropped into the Google search bar does the trick (by design). Works for math equations too, ya young punks!

Why my boss hates me

From: Chayste
Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 2010 12:47 PM
To: Training Team
Subject: RE: Still at Corporate Office

Well one of the chickens (don’t know which) called one of the cows a “dumb butt”. They can be so childish sometimes, but naturally this created a minor scuffle which quickly escalated to involve more chickens and cows, and eventually the pigs. Ma had to come out of the kitchen and threaten the whole bunch with a churn handle, but she knows how to handle em and they quieted down soon enough. Meanwhile, the RN trainings went off without a hitch, the RxStation folks seem to be getting their arms around reviewing and feeding back without too much of a fuss, and the wheat’s comin’in the back 40 a bushel-a-foot! (We’ll need rat traps before the fall is over).

How goes it at the Spam factory?

--------------------- Original Message ------------------

From: Bossman, Mr.
Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 2010 12:42 PM
To: Training Team
Subject: Still at Corporate Office

How goes it at the farm?

Mr. Bossman

Supreme Overlord, Hospital Training

Hospital

Five-second Rule

Definitely falls under the category of "things that make me chuckle."

Word Googsociation

Google's no dummy. When you search for X, you get ads for Y where Y is the most-likely associated products to appeal to the presumed demographic of the X-searcher as determined by Google's trillion-dollar who-consumes-what marketing algorithm.

It can be a telling "sign of the times" from a blind algorithmic arbiter that just calls it like it sees it... uh, even though it's blind? Try it. Search Google for "puppies" and you get ads for puppy chow and veterinarians. Search for Sarah Palin and wade through volumes of ads for Biggelow and AK-47s. But search for "Screenwriting" and you get this...

Now go search "Lindsay Lohan".

My Little Phony

Now where did I put my Diane Weist/Alan Arkin Action Kit?

Ferris needs a day off

In my dream, I was in my home, upstairs. As I unplugged some unidentified dream appliance from a wall socket, there was a distinct short within the wall -- I could hear (in my dream) the snapping sparks, I could feel the vibrating energy of the arcing, smell the ozone, and the the distinct wood-smouldering aroma as the fire kindled within the wall. In my dream I flew into a panic to gather up what little provisions and important items I could in the little time that I knew I had. In my dream I dashed down the hall to gather some unidentified dreamstuffs from (perhaps) the dream bathroom, and then back to the area where the fire had sparked -- there was now water gushing in torrents from OTHER walls -- walls with no plumbing in them -- and the hallways and upstairs bedrooms were now awash in water. In my dream, I could feel the soggy carpet and padding as I slogged back to the now-innundated bedroom where the fire had started. In my dream, in spite of the water gushing from some walls, the fire continued within its own walls -- a spreading charred blackness slowly consumed the wall spreading outward from the originating electrical socket. This was the only visual indication of the fire within. This and the acrid smell of burning wood. No flames. No smoke.

In my dream my house was burning... AND flooding. I spent the remainder of this dream in an absolute panic not for the safety of family and loved ones, and not in an effort to gather photos and treasured belonging. I was in a panic to contact someone -- brothers, sisters, some other family member or friend -- to come and dial 911 and coordinate with the responding firemen and whomever... because I WAS LATE FOR WORK! In my dream, my house was burning down (and flooding!!) and my concern was simply that I HAD TO GET TO WORK and this fire (and flood dammit -- don't forget the flood!) was making me late!!

Geeze I need a vacation.

McWhatever

The McDonald's Snack Wrap is, on a mass scale, the exact food I would eat if I had reached the absolute end of my rope, and simply no longer cared whether I lived or died. The mere act of placing it in your mouth in and of itself is a resolute proclamation that "I clearly do not give a shit anymore!"

Random Notes: How to Wave a Flag

[AUTO-RESPONSE]

From: Chayste [AUTO-RESPONSE]

Sent: Friday, September 03, 2010 12:37 PM

Subject: What're you all still doing at work / working?

We’re sorry that your transmittal did not reach the intended recipient(s). The training department is now closed, and has been for quite some time by now. If you have a question or training concern, one or more of the staff may be in a suitable enough condition to respond to your needs on or about Tuesday of next week. On second thought, make that Wednesday… or so.

We thank you for your interest or whatever.

The Training Team

-------------- YOU WROTE --------------

From: Boss [From my remote office]

Sent: Friday, September 03, 2010 12:37 PM

To: Training Team

Subject: What're you all still doing at work / working?

Feel free to sky out around 1:30 and take care.

Boss

FODRAWAS

I am fascinated by the "Double Rainbow" meme. But kudos to Microsoft - and to the double-rainbow guy - for capitalizing on it in such a delightful way. I can't wait for the "full-on double fortune all the way to the bank!" video to come out!

Shit I say in chat...

Everybody wants some

On my daily walk through Silverlake I pass the Superior Glass store on Sunset Blvd at Sanborn Ave. Due to the unique five-way intersection, some of the storefront is occluded by a traffic light. For approximately 4 paces of my 2-mile daily walk I have a perfect view of the "Superior Ass" store.

Hehehe... "ass."

Bite your tongue

Wolfy: Anyone out there have any good business suggestions? This town needs something more don't you think?

Chayste: I think you should open the world's first "Anything-Can-Be-Jerky" olde tyme jerky shoppe.

Sally Someoneelse: then you can open a shoppe next to it called "Daffy Taffy"

Chayste: Then open a casino/brothel next to THAT called "Lucky..." well, nevermind. :P

Bad Andy!

 From: Boss
Sent: Tuesday, August 24, 2010 9:12 AM
To: Me
Subject: FW: First 5 Grant

In case it comes up.

I have reached out to her via voicemail to see what is what..

Boss

---

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 24, 2010 9:56 AM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: First 5 Grant

---

From: Boss
Sent: Tuesday, August 24, 2010 9:58 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: First 5 Grant

That’s it, your WACOM tablet privileges are hereby revoked. 

You must now use a scanner or only clipart 

Boss

---

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 24, 2010 10:00 AM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: First 5 Grant

Location, location, location

Anyone who plays World of Warcraft (WoW) quickly gains an appreciation for the richness and imagination that has been poured into the creation of that online world. Not neglected among the creative detail work are the names of the many lands, towns, cities, and localities  throughout the lands of WoW. Flying from imaginary Point A to fictitious Point B today, I passed through a wooded area of the countryside named "Nightsong" and I pondered the fact that this sounded like a fancifully-named work-a-day brand of women's perfume to me.
"Why not ask the fellas (and gals) in the Guild about this?" I thought and fired off a random question about how many locations in WoW sound like a fancy perfume. Smart-ass remarks quickly began pouring in. I chuckled heartily at many of the offerings -- “Timbermaw Hold”, “Deadmines”, “Moonglade” (not a bad one there). But I about fell off of my chair when the following contribution popped up in guild chat: “Whispering Eye Gulch”.
Oh to see Liz Taylor in a muu-muu and perched on a Rascal peddling “Whispering Eye Gulch” fragrance for women in soft, lustrous focus. Hell, I’d buy it!
But then again, there's always yours truly...

It's all in the past

I exchanged some customer service-related emails with my boss the other day in which I made the following glib remark:

"I troubleshooted the customer's problem (...should that be 'troubleshat'?)..."

Much to my dismay, the email thread bounced and exchanged its way all the way up to the CEO.

Welcome to my blog. My life is a facepalm.